missing Rex <3
I can officially say I’m not a virgin. I’m not going to be proud about it, it’s not like I had sex with my boyfriend- cause I don’t have one. I had sex with my ex-boyfriend, Brent… I know, most of you will be like, “WHY SHANNON? WHY!?!?” Well let me tell you my experience, emotions and everything I went through.
Lets start by how it happened and when… In August 2012 right around college started, I went to go visit Brent. We were talking and watching T.V. Started cuddling and one thing led to another.. I don’t think he broke my hymen to be honest, only because I didn’t bleed. Then I thought well I could have broken my hymen from before, but even if that, I didn’t orgasm or maybe he didn’t go in deep enough. Brent size is like around 4.5 IN or 5 IN, the average maybe? I’m not sure, I know it’s not as big as I usually see on Tumblr or in porn/pics/vids whatever. Anyways… I’m small, I can not even fit two fingers in me, if I try, I feel awkward uncomfortable and it hurts, I don’t even use super tampons because it hurts so much trying to take it out. But yea… I don’t think you can orgasm so easily, we did the missionary position, I was on top, it felt good, but uncomfortable at the same time only because… OUR FIRST TIME. YES I SAID IT, IT WAS HIS FIRST TIME TOO.
BUT he came, I didn’t, although I was very wet, no squirt or orgasm, or maybe I did, but I don’t think so, cause I have no idea how it’s suppose to feel like. I did moan a lot, and we had to go slow because something in your vagina in and out feels uncomfortable. I’m not a tampon girl, unless I’m doing sports, working out or actively doing something- which by the way, is rare hah. So PADS is how I feel comfortable. I told him I came, because he kept sliding out and I was just too wet, but I don’t know if I did lol… Does that make sense? Plus I just wanted it to be like a movie thing, like in the moment, maybe he’ll want me back or something? I don’t know stupid thing to say lol. But yeah, that was the first time I’ve had sex. Yes we did use a condom, and yes, we did do it again…
January 9th 2013, is when we did again, the second time, and it was BOTH our second time to have sex. I remember the date because after I did it, I got my period… *blushing* It was kinda hard to not show when I had NO tampons/pads with me until I got to my car. Anyways this time was better, more relaxing, faster and felt really good. No I did not orgasm, but I’m sure if we lasted longer and did a different position… *smiling* I got a dirty mind yo, being innocent and losing my virginity at 19, plays some dirty tricks on yo mind. Now I am starting to be more comfortable to wear tampons, only the regular size, cause super *rolls eyes* hurts baaaad. I am hoping we can have sex again, but we shall see, because I am having awful withdrawals.. For example- we are not together, but we are messing around. Is that okay?
FWB is not really FWB to me because… Brent and I are not dating anyone else… Problem is Brent doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, an ex is an ex to him, nothing more. But what does that mean? We’ve been talking, hanging, had sex and been going out together to the movies, out to eat and what not. Are we just ‘friends with benefits’ or just ‘friends’? I’ve asked him if he likes me, he told me he likes me, but he doesn’t know if wants to be in a relationship with me.. And I’m stupid because I fell for him, I’m literally in love with Brent all over again. Now, does this make me dumb that I fell for him for like 4th time? I mean it’s going to be 3 years in June that I’ve known him.. He was my first real boyfriend, true love, real guy that has ever treated me right, and what sucks is that we didn’t lose our virginity when we were in relationship, we lost when we weren’t in a relationship. Everyone says I need to let him go, not talk to him, figure out what I want without him.. But I can’t live in Texas without Brent. I made him my world when I moved here (now isn’t that sad?) and now I cannot move on without him. A lot of you may not know the details about us, but you can just ask me or message me and I’ll give you the full details. He’s my best friend here, I feel safe with him, and sometimes I feel like he doesn’t feel the same and everyone tells me that isn’t okay. I need to move on without him. I’m just confused, and heartbroken AGAIN.
I know I need to talk to him in person, but how do I bring up something like this? How can I tell this guy my feelings, when he already knows and he just doesn’t want me.. Should I cut my ties? Not cut my ties? Cause I feel like I don’t know I do and I don’t. Some days it’s good, some days its not good..
Can anyone please tell me what to do?
we aren’t together anymore.. and i miss you. i miss the cuddling and the warmth of your touch. i miss our laughs and our moments of just being together before things complicated. i just want you to know that i’m still holding on to you, and it’s not that i want too, it’s because i need too. you’re everything to me here.. i really don’t know how to live here without you. you have been by my side since i moved to texas, and i can’t just live here without you. i don’t know how to, and i’m afraid, i just want you by my side. and i understand our relationship has ended but i know we are friends. and that’s okay, i’m surviving onto that. brent i don’t want you to leave me. i know you don’t care about me, lost feelings and want to move on.. but i don’t want you too lol. i’m being selfish for once i am being selfish for me because i never realized you would get rid of me so quickly. i never thought you would leave me, ever. i don’t care if you are my first boyfriend. i wanted you to be my only one when i met you and still do. i know things have changed.. and i don’t know how. we don’t communicate at all, i’m too shy to talk to you or sometimes i don’t know how. you still make me nervous and i wish i wasn’t sometimes. i get mad and upset at you, but i can never hold a grudge for so long. i just wish it was like the old days.. before it got complicating. and i wish i had the courage to just be the girl i want to be for myself and for you. but i don’t know how. so i’m just here, quietly missing you and having feelings for you until one day something happens. i may seem pathetic and i don’t care. i know this is going to take time and i wish it was easier than me just missing you and all these “what ifs”
laughing at brent when he screams out “MONEY” when he scores in nba2k12.
This nigga talking trash about my team.. Lol #babe #brent #convos #PicFrame (Taken with instagram)
You have always been my crush ever since I moved to Texas in June 2010. It’s been almost two years and you’re still my crush. My first ever real crush, butterfly-giver-to-my-tummy, boyfriend, heartbreak, and still my crush. We have been through ups and downs and yet we are still talking and being friends. Hell we are even dating again… and I’m totally in it to win your heart again and hopefully won’t be letting go again. You have always meant the world to me and still do.
I know I shouldn’t let my guard down too fast or quickly after everything.. But I’m hoping this time is different. I hope you will always be my crush and boyfriend, maybe even husband one day, but for right now, you are my crush. And I rather you be my crush than nothing at all. (:
Your crush, Shannon